Xrayser: What each political party has in store for pharmacy

"We are campaigning for the right of pharmacists to urinate more than once in 24 hours"

It's only a matter of weeks before the country goes to the polls, so Xrayser has asked each of the political parties about their plans for community pharmacy.

The Greens

"We in the Green Party believe in a natural world order. Under a Green government, we would ban artificial sweeteners in medicines and require clinical commissioning groups (CCGs) to only have herbal medicines on their formularies. In fact, we’d require the herbs to be locally grown within the CCG itself to cut down on polluting transportation, with each wholesaler depot having a minimum of three hectares of greenhouse capacity.

"But of course we’d draw the line at recommending homeopathy – even we’re not that mad!"

Labour

"We sympathise with everyone working in community pharmacy. We know what it's like to have your numbers drastically reduced by a strong Tory government, and we’d kill to have a two million-strong petition of support from the general public. Some have suggested that it's our people at the top that's the problem, so we're awaiting the outcome of C+D's Pharmacy 50 with the hope the front-runner might be interested in leading the Labour party."

Liberal Democrats

"We were part of that coalition everyone loved, so we intend extending the idea of coalition to pharmacy. The present government has encouraged pharmacies to merge, but we’ll go further and enforce major pharmacy coalitions. Superdrug, Lloyds and Boots will form a coalition called 'Superloot', while Morrisons and Asda, with Well, Tesco and Rowlands, will form 'Mad Wetlands'."

SNP

"You poor pharmacists in England. Everyone recognised that the Scottish model of pharmacy is more sustainable. We don’t really need to say anything except – to paraphrase the Pussycat Dolls – “Don’t cha wish your pharmacies were hot like ours..?”

Conservatives

"Voters are important to the Conservative Party. Did I say voters? Sorry I mean patients, that's it, and we know how important pharmacies are to patients. After all, 98% of the population lives within 20 minutes of somewhere they can buy shampoo and sandwiches. Is that right? This is for The Grocer magazine isn't it?"

UKIP

"We of the UK Independent Pharmacists seek to represent all locum and employee pharmacists, but unfortunately seem to be constantly mistaken for a right-wing populist eurosceptic party. We are campaigning for basic human rights for pharmacists:

  • the right to urinate more than once in 24 hours 
  • the right to support staff in the dispensary, or at least someone who knows what's in all the unmarked drawers
  • the right not to have the previous three days' queries left for us ,with just a note that says: 'Sorry, had no time to contact Mrs Smith about her husband's overdose, so she's coming in today'
  • an end to medicines use review targets
  • and the right to be told if the General Pharmaceutical Council inspector is due to come in the day we’re working.

But to be honest, with those aspirations we might as well call ourselves the Monster Raving Looney Party."

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