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Xrayser: Star Wars VII: The Workforce Awakens

"I’d recently scavenged a dispenser droid called EPS2 and met a disillusioned efficiency-trooper who’d escaped with news of a classified letter"

Pharmacy's fight for funding gets a sci-fi twist

My name is Rey and I’m a pharmacist living on the planet Apoffakree. It’s many years after the defeat of Darth Contract Evader ended the creation of 100-hour death stars and now, like many pharmacists, I’m a scavenger wandering the deserts of employment. The only work available is hard and the rewards slim, with few resources to go round. To make matters worse, there’s a new evil that has risen in the known universe – the Government Order and their efficiency-troopers.

I’d recently scavenged a dispenser droid called EPS2 and met a disillusioned efficiency-trooper who’d escaped with news of a classified letter. This letter tells of a plan by the Government Order for a new hub-and-spoke facility that forms part of their superweapon, a globalsumkiller, with which they will reduce the number of planets where pharmacists can live and work.

Knowing we couldn’t face this new menace on our own, we enlisted the help of legendary dispensers Elleste Solo and Calcichewbacca. But soon after taking off in the Aclidinium Falcon, we were followed and boarded by a Government Order inspector. A fierce show-and-tell raged for hours until eventually the inspector was beaten and we got away.

Solo and Calcichewbacca realised we needed to contact the rebel alliance, Pharmacy Voysse led by General Eklira Genuair. They suggested we make for a popular pharmacist hangout – the cantina on planet Seeandee. At Seeandee pharmacists can safely talk, swap stories, train and exchange plans for tackling the Government Order.

While in the Seeandee cantina, we heard that one of the rebel leaders, Executive Sharpe, had slammed this “unprecedented” attack, which she said presents a “clear threat” to this sector of the universe. “This will be a destructive blow and we must meet to agree how to deal with this,” she said. The Government Order’s letter, signed by Supreme Leader Ridge, said this sector must make an “important contribution” to its £22 billion efficiencies.

Commander Incruse Ellipta greeted us. “We need every Rx-wing pilot to work with us, but an effective fight isn’t possible without the fabled Jedi Chemist, Luke Scriptracker. No one can wield a lightsabre pen as he can, and though we have searched the planets Butz, Loidz, Uelle and many smaller worlds, we have yet to find him. It is said that Scriptracker alone can wield the force of the petition. His location is stored in your EPS2 droid.”

As the Government Order began an attack on Seeandee, I managed to get away in the Aclidinium Falcon. Following the map led me to an old cloaked and bearded pharmacist – Luke Scriptracker. As I handed him his legendary lightsabre pen, I could faintly hear an ethereal voice cry, “use the petition, Luke!”, yet in my heart I know the Government Order is not yet defeated, and this just the beginning.

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Snake Plissken, Student

Okay, I'll be the first to say it here, if no one else is. This is a master piece, had me rolling on the floor with laughter.

But in a sense it's very ironic because of the seriousness of the status quo :-(

Job of the week

Support Pharmacist
Queen Elizabeth Hospital and Heartl
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