'Twas the day before Christmas and all through the shop,
Every patient was frantic – the noise wouldn’t stop.
Outside on the street there were carollers singing
Of angels and shepherds of the meek and the mild,
While inside there’s children all screaming and wild.

The only jingle bells we heard that day
Were mobile phones constantly ringing away,
Or used while still talking to chemist assistant –
Who’s tempted to WWHAM them if they are persistent.

The shop is now filled with blokes who are sighing
Because they have “man flu” and think they are dying,
Or well-meaning patients “demonstrating” their cough
(though we know it’s pointless and try not to scoff).

While there at reception the absence of glee 
Is because of the shortage of all HRT
And that’s when I find myself right in the midst
Of cursing the day I became a pharmacist. 

Then just when I think that my patience is gone
There’s a blinkin’ referral from NHS 111,
But before I can load up the PharmOutcomes page
In walked the patient, as best I could gauge.

A portly old man with a rosy complexion
So I guessed rosacea or similar condition,
But then thought on seeing him carrying a sack
A relative’s died and he’s brought their drugs back.

But instead of some boxes of out-of-date pills
He brought out a present saying: “this – for your ills.”
And all of a sudden the pharmacy’s still
And the rush and the fervour that’s breaking our will
Has slowed down and come to a wonderful halt
(just like that time the spine had a fault).

When the pharmacy was all so still and so quiet
Instead of like bedlam in the midst of a riot.
I looked all around, saw the pharmacy calm
Saw customers smiling – what seasonal balm.
No patient impatient, clearly ID’d themself
And every script came to hand on the shelf.

Is this what Christmas is? The absence of stress
When the patients are well and the staff are all blessed?
There’s no drugs out-of-stock or quotas – we dread it,
No more new service specs for which to accredit.

For once we can ask that the training be simple
And that CPCS referral be a kid with a pimple.
CPPE assessment where the answers are clear,
Now that would be something to bring us good cheer.

Then just for tonight as it freezes and snows,
Since we’re all good pharmacists as PQS shows,
Santa also might leave a present or two
Delivered in boxes of green or of blue.

As we open up totes of blue and of green
If anything’s missing remains to be seen,
Check through the invoice of presents and treats
As instead of the drugs unpack games, toys and sweets.

But nothing could match that gifting of peace
A time when the stress and the pressure might cease.
Then Santa will leave with a smile and a whistle
And fly off away like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight:
"Merry Christmas dear chemist – to you all a good-night!"