So, the NHS Business Standards Authority online declaration for quality payments is now open! The thing is, I’m not sure NHS England are asking the right questions. These are my suggestions:

Gateway criteria – confirm the following:

1. The pharmacy waiting area has enough chairs for one old man muttering to himself and two children fighting with walking sticks
2. There are no more than three types of stains on the floor by the reception
3. The responsible pharmacist notice is displayed so that it's illegible from the shop floor
4. There’s at least one window notice advertising last year’s flu campaign

Quality criteria – answer the following questions:

1. When do you access summary care records?

1. With permission, for every script and over-the-counter sale
2. With permission, for an intervention
3. When it's quicker than phoning the surgery
4. When I recognise them from school and wonder where they live now

2. A patient with a script for salbutamol and beclomethasone inhalers says they can only afford the blue. Do you:

1. Conduct a new medicine service and medicines use review, explain the need for a regular steroid, help them complete a help with health costs (HC1) application, and report back to their GP
2. Note the lack of preventer in the last 6/12 and encourage them to make an appointment with a asthma nurse
3. Note the lack of preventer on your tick sheet
4. Rummage around the DOOP bins so you can give them a returned steroid inhaler free of charge

3. On the day of assessment, 80% of your staff are:

1. Dementia champions
2. Dementia Friends
3. Demented
4. Drunk

4. On the day of assessment, you update:

1. Your entire patient contact media – NHS and private
2. Your 111 and NHS Choices profiles
3. Your Facebook status
4. Your Lotto numbers

5. Your patient safety report is:

1. Adopted by the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency for national learning
2. Recorded on your NHS Choices profile with outcomes
3. An embarrassingly large list of near-misses
4. Appearing on You've Been Framed

6. On the day of assessment, 80% of clinical staff are:

1. On safeguarding level 3 and are DBS checked
2. On the alert for any safeguarding issues
3. On their fifth attempt to pass the Centre for Pharmacy Postgraduate Education (CPPE) assessment
4. On a register

7. To be a healthy living pharmacy, you need:

1. Just to sit back, as you're already level two
2. Just to be signed off
3. Just another six months
4. Just one more fag and a glass of scotch

So, how did you do?

Mostly a) = You are too good to be true and can expect a compliance visit

Mostly b) = You spend too much time studying the service and regulations to enjoy the payment you'll receive

Mostly c) = You’ll scrape through, but receive no payment

Mostly d) = You can also expect a compliance visit if you've not been struck off before that happens.

So, tell the boss you don't want to be too good or too bad, as outliers are always scrutinised. Just head down and be quietly average – that's where true quality lies.